Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
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i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.