With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
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I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
the rocks need my help
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on