Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
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ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana