Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
You Might Also Like
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.