Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
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I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
I bet
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it