Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
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Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?