I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
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*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Phonetics
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
how long have you had this for?
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Donkey Kong sommelier