Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
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I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”