person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
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The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music