There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
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My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..