I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
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I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt