cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
You Might Also Like
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.