So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
You Might Also Like
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
was Jim off killing horses or…
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.