Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
You Might Also Like
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”