Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
You Might Also Like
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.