Oh. My. God.
You Might Also Like
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over