First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
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Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!