me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
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Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
time for some seasonal decor
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??