The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
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The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.