in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
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[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.