im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
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What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
This is the coolest video you will see today.
🙂🙃🥹
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*