If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
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“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn鈥檛 do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can鈥檛 do his maths homework
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
My boyfriend鈥檚 boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I鈥檓 smuggling a baseball
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
馃槣馃槣 Happy Saturday folks 鈽曪笍鈽曪笍
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn鈥檛, it鈥檚 shaped like an Italian car, didn鈥檛 you read my name?
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i鈥檓 on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.