In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
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if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom