Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
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“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse