Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
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A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?