Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
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Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late