My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
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With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.