I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
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[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
We found love in a hopeless place.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.