Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
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6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow