I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
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There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
first you must answer his riddles
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith