My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
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What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.