I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
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13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Oh yeah that’s it
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.