If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
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your elf on the shelf was delicious
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Only a mother’s love …
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!