Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
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Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Good point.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast