*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
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[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”