If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
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TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing