Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
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*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
LA today:
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.