Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
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In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
The two types of wives
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.