My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
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[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
I would like even faster food.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.