Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
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Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Super Hand Dog Face
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Ken is short for chicken
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏