How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
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Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.