I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
You Might Also Like
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for