Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
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I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Can’t stop laughing
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.