my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
You Might Also Like
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.