“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
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If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.