I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
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HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.