You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
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If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Clients after you give them your rates
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.