I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
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Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.