Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
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Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm