Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
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This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
This will teach them to underestimate me
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies